Their Last Goodbye

He sat on the edge of her bed, holding her hand tenderly and whispering sweetly to her. She lay there in her hospice bed, looking at him with both love and confusion, but it was clear that she loved what he was saying.

I was sitting in a chair across the room feeling like an intruder, but I couldn’t get myself to leave. The pure love I felt in this intimate moment was mesmerizing and even though I might have been wrong in staying, I also felt honored to witness the last moments between these two.

They had a long history filled with love, family, struggles, and adventures. But in their final moments together, all that mattered was their love for one another and the final words they could share.

I strained to hear their conversation and at the same time, tried not to listen. It was a special and unique moment I knew would never happen again, yet I was still unsure of what to do. Neither of them seemed to be aware of my presence, as their focused attention was on each other, so selfishly I decided to stay and witness this rare and beautiful moment.

She started to speak quietly and he leaned in further, turning his ear towards her mouth. Once she was finished, he turned his face back to her and smiled so sweetly. “You’re pretty cute for a French girl!”, I heard him say to her as tears flowed down my face. She whispered back and he replied, “I love you too!”

He held her hand for a few moments more as she drifted off to sleep. He quietly leaned in once more and gently kissed her on the forehead, stood up and left the room.

She died a few days later.

I witnessed a pure and beautiful moment that day and I am forever grateful for being allowed into their last goodbye.

George

The pain in my stomach began as a dull cramp that Sunday afternoon. Maybe it was something I had eaten or perhaps the fact that I hadn’t eaten any lunch but instead powered through my errands. But whatever it was, the pain was increasing and the last one had me bent over in an effort to relieve the increasing pain. My daughter was in her room downstairs and my husband had gone to our room to take a nap. I was alone, except for George who insisted on following me from room to room, acting as my shadow as I attempted to relieve the growing pain in my stomach.

I was on the floor on all fours in an awkward position trying to find relief for the pain that was no longer subsiding. As I picked my head up and looked straight ahead, George was looking me in the eye, his dark eyes filled with concern. I paced down the hallway and back with my mind racing, wondering if this pain was severe enough to justify a trip to Urgent Care on a Sunday evening and I found myself irritated by the fact that George was in my way and I kept tripping over him.

I went into the bedroom to lie down, hoping that by laying down on my side some of the pain would subside. As I lay down on my side, George immediately jumped up and lay down beside me dropping his muscular body on my stomach, which increased the pain and I moaned and told him to get off the bed. After less than a minute, the pain increased significantly and I got out of bed in a panicked attempt to again find some way to stop the pain.

My sporadic activity didn’t deter George at all; he immediately jumped up and followed me down the hall in my next attempt to relieve the pain. Back in the living room, I bent over again at the waist, then squatting and doing a few deep breaths. I got back down on all fours in another awkward attempt to find relief and then walked to the kitchen and drank a glass of water. Nothing was helping and I began to cry. I hadn’t felt this kind of pain since childbirth but even then the pain would at least subside between contractions. I didn’t know what to do and I looked at George and asked him what I should do. He looked at me with love and compassion but he had no answers.

I went into our bedroom to wake up my husband and tell him to bring me to the hospital – but I hesitated once again, refusing to believe there was anything so wrong with me that would need emergency care. I turned to walk away from the bed and there again was George, his big dark eyes filled with concern and his intense face so focused on me.

But even then his concern, compassion, and love weren’t clear to me. He just seemed to be clinging to me and in my pain, his intensity was annoying me as I attempted to deny the severity of the pain.

After two hours of this increasing pain, pacing and putting myself in distorted positions – it was clear what I needed to do, so I finally woke up my husband and said, “I need to go to the hospital!”

He got up and our daughter came up from her room downstairs and I finally felt better as my family surrounded me. As I sat down on the step to enjoy a fleeting moment of relief from the pain, George came over to me and put his face close to mine. It was then that I finally realized that this little guy had forgone his nap with Dad, one of his favorite things, just to stay next to my side in a show of support and love. He was family and he had been surrounding me for the past two hours. He didn’t do this to gain points, or because it was his job, or as a way to suck up, he did this because of his unconditional love for me, his loyalty to me as a member of his family, and just because that is who he is. He cares, he loves and he is devoted to his family.

I’m sorry I didn’t recognize this love and loyalty from George right away. In retrospect, I see it clearly and also realize the value of it and how blessed I am to have this from him. This soul whose life started with such negativity, fear, and pain at the hands of human beings, found a way to look past his past and exhibit sincere love, concern, and encouragement to another human being who was feeling fear and pain.

This muscle-bound pit bull who had been viewed as evil by some and treated as a prizefighter with little value by others was treating me as a precious being who deserved his love and protection. I am amazed by his innate ability to forgive, love, and encourage. I am blown away by his unconditional compassion and tenderness. This little guy, who scared some, infuriated others and was viewed as disposable by others, loved me, cared about me, and thought of nothing other than me as I struggled through my pain for two hours that afternoon.

George is an amazing soul. He has taught me about patience, compassion, and loyalty. He is a gift, a lesson, an inspiration, a pit bull, and a friend. I am humbled by his presence in my life and I now know that I am a better human being for having this loving pit bull in my life.

I did go to the hospital that night and ended up there for three days. When I came home that Wednesday afternoon, George was waiting for me. He was humble, concerned, and patient with me as I continued to push him away from my stomach.

I am only human, George; selfish, self-preserving, and impatient. Please forgive me as I struggle to become the kind of inspiration to others as you are to me.

These Two Women

I was an observer on the sidelines as a close friend supported her husband in his battle with cancer and eventually, as he lost his battle. Her strength was inspiring, her resilience unending and the sacrifices she made along the way, were admirable, to say the least.

As I approached her at the funeral, I saw such pain and anguish in her eyes that it took my breath away and all I could do was put my arms around her and hug her tightly. I was at a complete loss for words; what do you say to someone who has just spent the last year and a half of her life, watching her soul-mate lose his. As the tears ran down our faces, I love you was all either of us could say, but it was enough, for the moment.

Another close friend is also by her husband’s side as he is facing his battle with cancer. Her positive attitude and sense of humor have not faltered even slightly. She continues each day with the determination of a woman hell-bent on kicking cancer’s ass, but at the same time understanding her reality.

These two women have helped me realize that I need to show up each day with gratitude and a realization that it’s who you have in your life that matters, not what. That life is too short and that I need to use the dreams and passion in my heart to make a difference wherever I can.

Her Legacy

My Mom, like most moms of her generation, had a recipe box. It was a simple wooden box holding standard-sized recipe cards with a flat cover and a small wooden cube attached on top that was used as a handle.

It was filled mostly with handwritten recipes, a few magazine recipes she’d collected over the years and a few random pieces of paper, tucked in here and there, with simple directions, like the one that described how to make Lutefisk in the microwave. It was an ordinary recipe box by all definitions, blending into the background of her life for many years and it only stopped being ordinary the day she died.

As we were sorting through her things one day, I opened a kitchen cupboard and saw this simple wooden recipe box. As I pulled it out of the cupboard, memories of a childhood spent baking and cooking with her flooded my mind and eyes.

This small insignificant little box suddenly looked like a priceless treasure I had discovered in the midst of an ordinary kitchen. The bonus was seeing her handwriting on each card and a memory attached to each recipe. I had found a treasure and a way of keeping her alive in my heart and in my kitchen.

Many people spend their lives building a legacy to pass on. A way to leave their mark on the world, or at least their small corner of it; in hopes that their life will make a difference to someone. At that moment, this small wooden box became her legacy to me.